WoWasis correspondent Khun Lee on the honesty of selected Thai bar girls:
I don’t know about how other guys feel, but I have always thought that sex should be fun and reduce stress instead of increasing your stress level. Heck, it is the one activity I normally enjoy that takes me away from all the mundane problems in day to day life. Well, I ran into a very sexy gal at a party the other night and I must say we were getting pretty hot and heavy on the host’s sofa, and I was very enthusiastic when she asked me if I wanted to go back to her condo just a few kilometers away. We made some hasty excuses and practically ran outside to her car. A few minutes later we were in her condo panting and sweating and exchanging saliva when she asked if I had any condoms. Geez this precocious little number doesn’t have any condoms in her condo? I asked if there was a 7-11 or mini-mart close by and she answered that there was one just around the corner. So I hastily pulled my pants over my protruding…..enthusiasm and slinked out the door hoping that perhaps I would become a bit less….enthusiastic on my walk to the store.
Just as I am making my way out the door she blurts out “don’t just get a 3-pack, I expect you to really fuck my brains out.” Now, guys I know that many would consider that to be a positive thing, but I gotta tell you that it gave me more than a bit of performance anxiety. To make matters even worse, when I barked back at her that I know she must just be teasing me, she got a very serious look on her face and said “if you don’t really do me good I am going to be very angry with you.” I slinked out the door and I noticed that I had become somewhat less enthusiastic already, both literally and boner-wise. Sex is supposed to be fun damnit to hell! She just took that away from me and we hadn’t even consummated the arrangement yet. I did manage to make it to the 7-11, and on the way back to her place I was giving myself and my libido a little pep talk in hopes that I could rekindle the animal lust that had brought me to her little corner of Bangkok. Do I need to say at this point that my performance was less than stellar? I ended up ashamedly cowering from her condo with my manhood and pride dragging on the floor behind me. I really should take a reader’s poll to find out how many of our horny fans out there would be more or less turned on upon hearing the words “don’t just get a 3-pack of condoms, I expect you to fuck my brains out.”
I really need to stop calling babes when I am drunk. I know that guys have been making arses out of themselves for centuries while in the inebriated state and who am I to mess with a fine tradition, but lately I think I should hide my mobile phone from myself before going out on the town to get plastered. I have done the stupidest things while drunk at 3AM such as telling gals I barely know that I love them, making promises that any sober man would know could never be kept, or worst of all, committing the unforgivable crime of being completely honest about my feelings for a girl. Oh the shame. Hey, I have a terrific idea! Breathalyzer locks on mobile phones. I have a mate who got arrested for drunk driving back in Antisepticville and the authorities put such a lock on his car ignition. The guy had to drive to work, but they wanted to make sure the engine couldn’t start if the driver was over a certain blood alcohol level. We need one of our well capitalized horny readers to invest in coming up with the first “Khun Lee’s Mobile Phone Breathalyzer Lock.” You don’t need to split the profits with me, just buy me enough 3-packs of condoms to keep me humiliated for the rest of my life.
Guys are always complaining about how dishonest the bargirls are in Bangkok, but last week I happened to meet the gal who wins the prize for most honest in this fair land of ours. I was sitting in a friend’s steakhouse restaurant when a punter walked in with what was an obvious “working” girl. He was late forties or so and dressed like he just came up from Pattaya. Oh, for those of you who admire our columns from afar, Pattaya is a sleazy seaside version of Sodom and Gomorrah that would easily win the prize for most poorly dressed foreign men. A good mate likes to say that spending even a single day in Pattaya could bring back any man’s self-confidence, because if he has ever laundered the t-shirt he is wearing he will easily be the handsomest and best dressed man in the city.
I digress. The gal with the punter in my friend’s restaurant had the usual bored look on her face and was trying her best to tolerate the agreed upon arrangement for as long as needed to receive payment. The guy was ranting on and on about subjects that would bore any sane person to death and the gal continued to play with her mobile and look like she wanted to die. Then he suddenly changed tactics and began hinting to her that he had a lot of money and would consider putting her on salary to keep her from needing to return to the bar and work.
Well, I don’t need to tell any of you savvy party guys that a salary is the Holy Grail for bar gals. Large sums of money for literally no work whatsoever if the guy doesn’t live in Thailand. If a slick gal can get 2 or 3 guys sending money from abroad she may make more in a month than a doctor or lawyer. Much to my astonishment these golden words flowing from his mouth brought absolutely no response or change in demeanor from her at all. If anything she looked even more comatose than before if that’s even possible. The guy looked a bit offended and excused himself to go to the toilet. When he was safely out of earshot I began chatting with her in Thai and let her know in very clear terms that she was missing an opportunity of a lifetime, and all she had to do was BS this guy for a few more hours and she would be rolling in money for months if not years. Heck, I live here and I root for the home team. If the gal can score some easy money from a guy who has way more money than brains, good for her.
Her response to me was so frank and honest that I was a bit in shock. She said “I am just too bored to lie.” What a breath of fresh air! This is easily the most honest service provider in all of Thailand. To even further cement her award winning style, the punter returned momentarily and asked her straight out what she would do all day if she didn’t need to work at all. This is where the gals normally excel and lay some story on the guy about how they want to return to study or go help their family work the farm blah blah blah. Not this girl. Her answer to what she would do with her free time was simply “sleep.” The guy at this point looks a bit confused and apparently feels she is dodging the issue. He says “no, really, what would you do all day long if you didn’t need to work.” She looks at him disdainfully and shouts out “SLEEP!”
And that is exactly what she would do.
Read Khun Lee’s other WoWasis columns for more advice on navigating the adult dating scene through the backstreets of Bangkok