Man do I love Thailand!!  This one is for you, WoWasis.  I was getting a massage the other day at a rather out of the way place near Bangkapi (northeast Bangkok) and it was becoming obvious to me that they were not accustomed to having western customers.  I must admit I was more than a little embarrassed at all the attention I was getting, and believe me when I say that I am not easily embarrassed! The lady performing my massage was so beautiful that she would stop traffic in any other country, and I must admit nearly all of the other staff was quite pleasing to the eye as well. They were all flirting devilishly with me, and my particular gal was pulling out all the stops including “flashing” with her eyes. “Flashing” is a technique used by Thai gals where they tilt their head at a certain angle and allow the light to reflect off of their eyes and back at the subject person. It can be quite spellbinding when performed correctly. 

Anyway, when the massage was finished and I was paying the bill, the manager asked me if I wanted to come back to the shop soon and ask my masseuse to marry me. Well, I began backpedaling very fast with my most advanced Thai techniques that are used to neutralize confrontations, as this boy has been married before and will NEVER live in that earth bound hell again.  Then I glanced back at my gal, and her precocious smile had been replaced with a frown.  She hung her head in dismay and said “I can’t even dream that big.”  Just broke my stone cold heart.  

The irony is that if I had never discovered Thailand, that particular proposition might have sounded REALLY good to me. 

Speaking of living in Paradise and being surrounded by WAY too many beautiful, sexy, available women, a friend asked me the other day why I never seem to encounter the same problems with Thai women that so many other western guys seem to.  After reflecting on this for a moment, I responded that on the first date I lay down the ground rules on how I expect to be treated.  It would seem a bit rude to aggressively explain rules when only on a first date, so this is how I accomplish this:  On every first date there inevitably comes a time where the gal starts to ask me probing questions about my background.  The most common is “oh, you are so handsome, so perfect, why don’t you have a girlfriend already?”  Let me state right here that I am not handsome or perfect, it is only that Thai ladies have very sweet tongues!  Anyway, this is where I seize the opportunity to subtly (or perhaps not so subtly) explain to them exactly what I will not tolerate from a woman under any circumstances.  

The two problems I ran into most often when first in Bangkok (we all have to learn the hard way) were women that were overly possessive and controlling, and women who were only out for money.  Therefore, when that first probing question comes, my response is that I don’t have a girlfriend at the moment because I have met so many women that either:

1) Ask me for money    OR
2) Call me 100 times a day and try to control me 

The lady will typically respond that she would NEVER do that and any woman who would is not a real traditional Thai lady.  The important thing is that I have sent a message.  If she wants money or a lap dog, she doesn’t need to go out on a second date with me.  I find that this really filters out the bad one’s right up front.  The other technique I use is what I call the “one strike and you’re out” rule.  No one is perfect, but if a lady commits a MAJOR infraction anytime early in the relationship, I simply delete her number from my phone and cut her loose. A major infraction would be anything that shows me she is a user, is extremely impolite, or will just need too much attention.  Asking me for money is the kiss of death.  

Another big problem is the constant sms messages and phone calls.  Once or twice a day is certainly often enough to contact one another.  I had one gal that after the third date, I woke up the next morning and had 37 missed phone calls from her! Yes, I RAN away from that one!  You guys out there will most likely have a different list of unforgivable offenses than I do, just remember to find a direct but non-confrontational way of letting the gals know how you expect to be treated.  They will respect you for it and you will cut down on ninety percent of the problems that crop up in relationships.  Sorry, I don’t think anyone has ever found a way to side step one hundred percent of the landmines! 

I had a really interesting conversation with a friend at Angel Witch in Nana Entertainment Plaza the other day. It went something like this:

John:  “All these bargirls care about is money.”
Me: “Well, they are working. What did you expect?”
John: “And when you get to know them they all have low class Thai boyfriends who have no job and no money.”
Me: “I thought you just said that ALL they care about is money? Now you are saying that they choose boyfriends who have NO money. Which one is it?”
John: “Um,……um”
Me: “I think what you are trying to say is that when they are at work, they only care about money, but in their personal lives they choose to be with someone that they are comfortable with regardless of money.”John: “Yeah, I guess that’s right.”
Me: “Well when I work I concentrate on making as much money as possible, but when I am off from work I choose to be with people I like regardless of money.  So I guess they are just like me!!”
John: “Geez, they ARE just like us!”
Me: “They’re just like us.”

Read Khun Lee’s other WoWasis columns for more advice on navigating the adult dating scene through the backstreets of Bangkok