I managed to survive Songkran, the Thai New Year, and lived to love another day at least.  Writer Dean Barrett chose to flee the country at water works time, as Songkran is the period that everyone douses everyone else with water, regardless of age, sex, national origin or whether or not you are dressed for the occasion.  I have to question his judgment on this matter.  Three days of lovely young Thai lasses wearing cut-off short and tank tops, boobs hanging out and soaking wet from head to toe and practically raping every man who walks by.  Hmmmm, it was a living hell and I must say that Dean wouldn’t have enjoyed it nearly as much as I did.  It was really embarrassing the time that 4 soi Cowboy go-go girls recognized me, wrestled me to the ground and proceeded to rub their hands and faces (and many other parts of their anatomy) all over me.  Never again will I submit to the humiliation, degradation and sexual exploitation.  Dean, next year I will flee the country with you for sure.  I feel so…….cheap and used.  It just sucks being treated as a sex object.

Speaking of Songkran, I was playing along with the water fights on day number 1 of the festival with my best mate from Sunderland, England.  He looked around at the thousands of people who were engaged in soaking each other with water and the general mayhem involved in the outright insanity and he quipped “in England everyone would be fighting and punching each other after the first five minutes if this festival was held there.”

One of my favorite subjects to rant on about is the value of dating normal Thai gals as opposed to just being engaged in the pay for play game with the bar girls.  Recently both my best mate and I were reminded of the nastiest side effect in this method of madness.  Normal Thai girls are jealous, and sometimes CRAZY jealous.  When you pay a gal for sex there are generally no feelings involved, you simply pay your money and the gal earns some money.  It is a financial transaction and as with any financial transaction the customer calls the shots.  The gal comes over to see you at the time you require, you have your fun and she goes about her business as does the customer.  When normal Thai girls (gals not involved in the naughty nightlife business) spend time with you, they are polite, demure and lovely in every way.  Really they are the epitome of beauty, grace and femininity.   The sex is so good that really any sexual experience with a professional gal pales in comparison.   When the relationship grows, they treat you like a movie star and I must admit that in no time in my life have I felt so loved and cherished as I have in my relationships with Thai gals.  When a Thai gal decides that she likes you, you are floating on air and living in paradise.  The problems begin when she decides that she is absolutely crazy about you and you are her one true love.  Many Thai gals at this stage become possessive, jealous, neurotic, controlling and manipulative.  This angel who has been treating you with so much love, respect and kindness suddenly begins to look for hairs in your bedroom, interrogate you about every phone call received and every photo found in your room, and throws temper tantrums any time you want to do something other than spend time with her.  Based on this I have acquired a new philosophy of life, and I want to share it with my cherished readers:

“My goal in life is to find many hot, sexy, demure Thai gals who like me just enough to want to fu*k my brains out all night long as if I was their long lost love, but don’t like me quite enough to want me to be their boyfriend.”

Yes, I know my goal is a noble one, and will most likely be difficult and time consuming to pursue, but I vow to fight on as long as the body is willing and the mind is soaked with alcohol.

Foreign men living in Thailand tend to have a relatively low opinion of western women.  I must admit that the only time I ever look at a western woman here is to give myself a laugh or jokingly poke fun at a friend by saying “wow look at this one walking down the street” just as a 300 pound white whale is passing by.  Generally western women are obese, aggressive and extremely judgmental in my opinion.  However, I can recall two instances where I actually met an open minded and insightful lady whose main goal in life was not to look down upon the local populace.  The first instance was while I was sitting in one of my favorite go-go bars watching the local talent and a Swiss lady sitting next to me tapped me on the shoulder and said “this place is great! If I were a man I would come here every day.”  She was cool.  The second instance I was sitting on the skytrain with a model girlfriend of mine (who happens to have absolutely perfect legs) and an American woman sitting next to me asked if we would tell her where my girlfriend bought her stockings.  I remarked that she wasn’t wearing any stockings.  Her response was to roll her eyes as she good naturedly quipped “I think I am going to kill myself.”   At least there are a few western women who have managed to escape the war against sex and femininity being waged back there.

On Soi Nana, at the front of the Nana Hotel is the Golden Beer bar.  Readers should check out Golden as it has a bevy of beautiful lasses as well as 60 baht lady drinks.  The view of the carnival-like atmosphere surrounding the Nana Hotel parking lot is beyond compare.

Read Khun Lee’s other WoWasis columns for more advice on navigating the adult dating scene through the backstreets of Bangkok