The Good Manner: Advice on Thailand from WoWasis’ Pa Farang
This week’s dilemma: Why can’t my American boyfriend keep his butt clean?

Dear Pa Farang,

I am a Thai lady, and my American boyfriend showed me your column. He’s away, so I’m writing. He never keeps his butt clean. He leaves poo marks all over my bed and the towels. He won’t use the toilet hose, and doesn’t use toilet paper very well. We live in a nice building on Sukhumvit and a lady did our washing before. Now she stops because she doesn’t want to touch his underwear. I went to Emporium and bought expensive new sheets. He got butt marks on them the first night, now they won’t come out. He’s marked our new sofa, too.

I tell him, but he just laughs and doesn’t listen. He thinks it’s funny. What can I do to make him stop this?

– Clean Girl

Dear CG,

Unfortunately, many Americans have bad toilet habits. They are not as clean as Thais. In fact, I read a recent study that said many Americans don’t wash their hands after using the bathroom. You’ve got a teaching job ahead of you if you want to keep this boyfriend. The fact that he thinks it’s funny is your worst problem. Before I ask you what he’s been eating, here’s an idea.

I assume that you’re in a relatively expensive building, so he must make a good sum of money. I’m going to make the assumption that he pays the bills, too. Instead of complaining, tell him that you’re going to buy new sheets, towels, and underwear every time he “marks” them. Then go to your favorite store and buy three sets of sheets, thirty pairs of men’s underwear, and twenty or so new towels. Tell him how much it cost him, then tell him you’re going to do it again next month. Immediately replace all “marked” items with your new sheets, towels, and underwear. Throw the old ones away. In the U.S., they call it “house training” when they teach a puppy not to poop on the floor. If it costs him a lot of money, you may be able to house train your American boyfriend.

You said that when he used your new sheets, he “got butt marks on them the first night, now they won’t come out.” I’m asking you because my readers will ask me: what’s he been eating? If it’s nothing toxic, buy a new washing machine and show your boyfriend the bill.

I have a feeling this will go a long way to solving your problem. And by not complaining, you’ll be showing The Good Manner.

– Pa Farang

Read Pa Farang’s other columns for more advice on relationships and cultural matters  in Southeast Asia