Bachelor in Bangkok: Khun Lee on guiltless sexual faux pas 

I think I just screwed up (again) so badly that I have brought another new meaning to the term “poor salesmanship.”  Casablanca is my all-time favorite movie and every time I commit one of my infamous screw ups with women I always think about the scene in that movie when Bogart’s old flame tries to talk him into giving her these valuable documents by asking him to do it “for the good times we had in Paris.”  Well, she ripped his heart out inParis so he just casually says “I wouldn’t bring upParis if I were you, its poor salesmanship.”  I think Khun Lee can top that one.  I have a super hot flight attendant that I have been pursuing for quite some time but with limited luck in the horizontal mambo department.  Recently she seemed to be weakening and finally began to see the incredible mistake she has committed by not recognizing what a truly extraordinary person I really am.  All of you readers can stop laughing now. Anyway, I managed to get her back to my lair and things were really heating up. We ended up on my bed and I had most of her clothes off and all of mine off when suddenly she jumped up and ran into the bathroom shrieking the whole way.  At first I thought she was in shock at the size of my manhood, but as it turns out she had looked up from her horizontal position and seen something horrible.  I looked up at the ceiling above the bed and to my shock and horror a used condom was dangling from the ceiling fan.  Just then I remembered that earlier that day I was fooling around with one of my favorite little tarts and had performed my usual ritual of jerking off the condom just before climax in order to finish on her face.  Certainly this is standard practice among most normal guys, my problem was that in my passion I had just tossed it in the air and the damn thing stuck to the ceiling fan!  So after several weeks of trying to convince my hot flight attendant that I wasn’t just another horny farang guy who just wants to party and have anonymous sex with multiple partners, I did just the opposite and showed her that her initial assumptions about me were spot on. After 30 minutes of crying in the bathroom, she finally came out and allowed me to escort her downstairs and into a taxi.  The little bitch hasn’t even returned my phone calls since that day.  Man is that poor salesmanship or what? 

The other day I was sitting at my favorite beer bar in front of the Nana Hotel and heard an incredibly loud and bizarre shrieking sound.  Realizing that my flight attendant wouldn’t be caught dead in that neighborhood, I asked my mate what he thought had caused that un-earthly noise.  He responded that it sounded like one of the elephants that the Thai mahouts ride around the area as tourist attractions.  I pondered this for a moment and then came up with a theory of my own.  Recently a McDonald’s restaurant opened just around the corner, so my theory was that it must have been an American female tourist who was just told that the limit for Big Macs is 5 per customer. 

In a recent column I told you lovely readers about my Sunderland, England mate who has ladies over for free sex, pounds them all night and then asks them to iron his shirts in the morning.  Just as I thought he could not possibly become more spoiled, I have to stand corrected.  Now his attitude is that the gals must come over at the appropriate time, the free sex has to be superb, and they have to VOLUNTEER to do his ironing in the morning.  He was recently complaining that he had to ask one of his gals to do the ironing, and as they should do it without being asked, she may be crossed off of his to do list.  Yes mate, you are spoiled beyond recognition.  Just try telling that story to anyone trapped back in loveless, sexless, passionless farangland.  When I challenged him on the frivolity of this course of action, he stated that he had put the ironing board and all his wrinkled shirts out in the middle of the room for all to see so how could that cheeky little thing not volunteer to do the ironing without being asked?  Maybe he does have a valid complaint after all.  

I just love Valentine’s Day in paradise.  Back in my poor, lost home country ofUSAall the prices for flowers, cards etc. get jacked up around 300% the week before the big day comes.   Then all the guys go walking around grabbing their hind quarters feeling like they had just been to the proctologist. Here inThailand, just the opposite is true.  Yesterday I went to Central shopping center in Pinklao (part of Bangkok near the river) and there were dozens of vendors selling specialized lover’s gifts.  They had such a variety of gifts to choose from at such low prices that I managed to buy for my top 7 gals (I try to limit myself to 7 really serious relationships at a time) for a totals outlay of US $65.  Heaven couldn’t possibly be this good.

Read Khun Lee’s other WoWasis columns for more advice on navigating the adult dating scene through the backstreets of Bangkok.