One of the most amusing aspects of living in Paradise is watching the bizarre antics of the western guys here in regard to their relationships with the ladies.  At any given period of time one can see a 55 year old man being reduced to a sniveling, emotionally distraught 5 year old boy by a bar girl he has known for 3 days or perhaps be lucky enough to be witness to a 45 year old guy crying like a baby and laying his body down in front of the taxi his lady is inside of in order to prevent her from leaving him.  The fun never ends and I must admit there are times that I cannot prevent myself from bursting out in laughter.  One such pathetic individual lives in my apartment building and I am often in the lift with him and his lady as they live several floors above me.  She knows that I can speak Thai and am privy to the normal bar girl antics and tricks so she never speaks to me or even looks in my direction.  To these gals who are fleecing a naïve and immature guy of his money, the presence of a savvy local guy is a danger signal.  In their minds it is possible that I will tell their victim just what is going on and therefore their income stream is in peril.  What these gals don’t know is that I would NEVER in a million years do any such thing.  It is simply none of my business.  If some guy I barely know wants to drain his bank account and give all his money to some bow-legged, over-weight low class pro that is up to him.  This particular guy provided my mates and me with one of our all-time favorite lines.  A year or so ago I saw him crying his eyes out in front of our apartment building. I asked him what was wrong and he proceeded to blurt out his sad story about how he had given all of his money to his lady but he had recently found out that she still has a Thai husband.  He was so heartbroken and really was almost having a nervous breakdown.  At this point in the story I have to remind my readers that I live in the middle of the naughty nightlife area and there are so many young, sexy, available ladies on my street that the main problem is figuring out how to avoid them during the times that you are not out on the hunt.   This guy was standing at ground zero.  The epicenter of hot, young, easily approachable women on this planet.  Well, this guy looks at me, throws his hands up in the air and exclaims “where will I ever find another girl?”  I looked at him in puzzlement, glanced down my street which at that time probably had at least 500 beautiful, sexy available women going about their daily business and could only reply “I have absolutely no idea mate.”   Man, this guy could be standing in the middle of the Sahara desert and still be convinced that he’ll never see another grain of sand.

Now anytime my mates and I are out on the prowl and one of us is experiencing a lack of success with whatever gal we are chatting up at that moment, we will throw our hands up in the air and say “where will I ever find another girl?”  It is guaranteed to elicit a burst of laughter from all the other guys in our group.  The gals tend to look on in bewilderment but who the hell cares?

My best mate here is English and I am American, so we often compare notes about various aspects of our culture or just chat on about the antics of our locally based countrymen.  It really is embarrassing when you see some western guy making a complete asshole of himself and he turns out to be from your home country.  I don’t really know why, but I feel somehow partially responsible for the other 300 million people from my homeland.  I must say that Americans and Englishmen do make up the two largest groups of western people here, but it still seems that too often the most complete wankers come from one of our two countries.   Now we have devised a subtle but effective system for abstaining from accepting responsibility for these jokers.  Whenever my best mate and I are out and about and we witness some guy acting like a moron, I always say “please, please God don’t let him be American” and my mate will say “please, please God don’t let him be English.”  Works for us.

Is it just me or is the world becoming more homophobic again?  Recently a former friend of mine went completely berserk when another guy joked with about the possibility of his being gay as no one had ever seen him with a babe.  I just don’t understand that at all.  In my country whenever a lady sees a guy who is handsome, well built and immaculately dressed, they say “he must be gay.”  If anyone asked me if I were gay, I would just say “I don’t think I am handsome, well-built or fashionable enough to be confused with a gay guy but I appreciate the compliment.”

This column’s interesting quote comes from my Sunderland, England mate who, upon entering Central World Plaza shopping center and seeing literally hundreds of perfect looking, sexy, young Thai babes walking around said “if this place were in England they could charge ten pounds admission for the privilege of just coming inside.”

Read Khun Lee’s other WoWasis columns for more advice on navigating the adult dating scene through the backstreets of Bangkok