Recently I have started to think that perhaps I need to work on my people skills.  Now, I have to say that I have never been the most diplomatic guy, and one of the things that I love about living in Thailand is the total lack of political correctness that is so pervasive in the West.  Here if someone says “why do Americans always talk so loud” or “why do the Thais walk so slowly” nobody is offended.  Anyway, the other day I was using online instant messaging with an old mate from the USA and the topic of his wife came up.  Jim is a hell of a nice guy, but unfortunately has a wife who weighs more than 3 Thai gals put together.  The really sad part is that since he has lived in the USA his entire life, he is totally convinced that he really can’t do any better so there is no real reason to complain.  Though he does seem to enjoy joking about it.  

He has a photo of his family on his desk at work, and the photo only includes Jim, his wife and 2 children when in fact he has 3 children. He purposely keeps this photo out on display so that when someone asks what happened to his 3^rd child he can exclaim “I think my wife ate him.”  Keeping this in mind I really didn’t think I had to be shy about expressing my opinion on his wife’s glacier-like size. He was in the process of telling me that although most of his friends never get sex, he and his wife make love once a month and this alone has made him the envy of his hip crowd of mates.  

Now I have to pause right here to tell you Bangkok based readers that indeed, sex once a month is considered by many Americans to be an extremely active sex life and could possibly have one committed to a clinic for sex-aholics if one was heard to make this claim in public.  One of the things women are famous for back in my esteemed homeland is using the withholding of sex as a means to get what they want from their spouse.  Obviously this would never work in Bangkok as I think there are no less than 20 places to go for a little love on the side on the 700 meter walk from my apartment to the 7-11 store down the street.  Oops, I think I left out the blowjob bar, 2 hand job bars and the 3 Karaoke places.  There is the Coyote bar and I think I forgot the 2 billiards places where the girls go out with customers.   Now that I think of it I also forgot the bar with live music where the service gals are extremely frisky and known to cut deals on the side.  

Maybe I shouldn’t count that place as I have taken home 5 gals from there and one actually didn’t have sex with me!  The cheecky tart.  I clearly remember she said that “she liked me and just wanted to talk” I told her “that if I wanted to talk I would still be out with my friends actually having fun and talking about interesting things.”  People say that I am not diplomatic and need to work on my people skills?  Just look at how gentle I was with her.  I’m certainly not the one with the problem.  Actually there are just way too many places to rent love on the side to get an accurate count.  Let’s just say there is so much love for sale over here that if a woman withheld sex from her lover it might take him up to 3 minutes to find a suitable replacement for the evening.  In the USA, there really is no place to go for these poor saps who are whipped by their shrew wives, and as my mate was describing to me online how his wife withholds sex from him in order to blackmail him into draining his bank account, I slipped up and responded “when a 240 pound woman with 3 chins withholds sex from you she is doing you a favor.”  Do you think I was less than diplomatic?   He hasn’t contacted me since. 

I remember the one and only time that I allowed a gal to live with me (my insane period) in Bangkok.  She was young, hot and treated me like gold but I just got bored seeing her face every day so I eventually threw her out. Anyway, she used to be so cute whenever I would go out for the evening.  She would wait until I showered and began getting dressed, and then she would rape me and exclaim with a smile on her face “a real Thai gal never allows her man to go out at night with any water (semen) left in him.”  I guess she has never heard of Viagra? 

I know I always talk about how ridiculous it is to “sponsor” an entertainment provider by sending her money from overseas but this story has to be the most outrageous behavior I have seen to date.  There is a certain young, sexy lass that I have been intimate with on and off for 3 or 4 years.  When you live in Bangkok it’s necessary to accept the fact that the gals will always come and go.  I love it.  Gives me an excuse to move on when I have been with them too many times or to just explore the endless supply of gorgeous women here.  This particular gal was a go-go dancer when we first met, and since has had a string of jobs, providers and other reasons to disappear and resurface countless times.  Whenever she shows up in Bangkok she calls me (a booty call) and we have several rounds of hot, raunchy monkey sex.  The arrangement works for me. The best part is that many of the times she has had a sponsor, and on those occasions refuses to accept any payment from me.  These guys are sponsoring ME..  More accurately they are subsidizing my sex life!  

The last time that we met she phoned early in the morning (10:30 AM but that is early by Bangkok standards) and said she had only a few hours as she was in transit to England.  No problem I can have sex early in the morning if I absolutely am forced to so as per usual she came over and I have to say she was even more of an animal than normally, and for her that is really saying something.  Imagine my shock and disbelief when I left my apartment an hour or so later and she was eating lunch with her “sponsor” in the restaurant that is attached to my building. I subsequently found out that she was staying over night in my apartment building when she placed the booty call!  You really have to love these gals, they are absolutely shameless. 

Read Khun Lee’s other WoWasis columns for more advice on navigating the adult dating scene through the backstreets of Bangkok