The Good Manner: Advice on Thailand from WoWasis’ Pa Farang
This week’s dilemma: Another man lives in my apartment with me and my girlfriend

Dear Pa Farang, 

My Thai lady and I are still getting used to each other, even after living together for a couple of years.  Last month, I got a surprise: her younger brother, a college student moved in with us while I was on a business trip. We’ve only got one bedroom, and he sleeps on the floor a few feet from our bed.  This is affecting our love life, needless to say.  The story I’m getting is he’s too broke to afford his own place, probably true. He watches television incessantly, bothering me to no end.  I feel like my home is no longer my home.  I might add that it took me a while to find this place, close to the Skytrain, building well maintained, and great views.  Is my problem a common one in Thailand?  Without offending my girlfriend, how do I fix this? 

–  Generous to a fault 

Dear Generous, 

At the risk of causing you more pain than you are feeling right now, are you absolutely 100% sure that this is her brother?  Enterprising young women have been known to move their boyfriends into the home of their sponsor (who assumed the role of boyfriend was his own) under the guise or brother, houseboy, or driver.  Television watching, beer drinking, and power napping soon become the rule of the day, as the homeowner eventually loses control of his own house.  If this is even a remote possibility, you’d be wise to hire an investigator to discreetly look into the matter. 

If, on the other hand, this really is her brother, you do need to insist that he depart.  If you are the major breadwinner for the extended family, you have, whether you like it or not, accepted the mantle of poo-yai, and will be expected to contribute to the welfare of the family.  Once opened, this is a fountain with a spigot that is not easily closed.  Many farang in your situation explain to their wives exactly what they can and cannot do to assist family members with financial needs.  This is something you’ll need to think through very carefully, because you don’t want your wife to be caught in the middle, where she’ll suffer a loss in having to choose between two sides. 

If you have the money and desire, you could rent an apartment for the young man, and sponsor his college education.  If this is not the case, you do have alternatives.  One approach is to tell her that you’d love to assist brother, but your funds, beyond household expenses, are heavily allocated to other projects.  These projects could even be in your own country, and could involve members of your own family.  Show The Good Manner by offering to fly her brother back to the city nearest his village, and provide bus fare back home.  This will enable brother to solicit other family members for funds necessary to attend university, and you will not be perceived as having been cold-hearted enough to have thrown brother out on the street.  Eventually, you may find that the Thai government does provide scholarships for college students, and that brother is eligible.  You may also discover that he’s been receiving the scholarship all along, but that it’s being plundered with alacrity by a family member responsible for brother’s welfare.  Many upcountry homes have been handsomely accessorized with televisions and motorcycles, utilizing such legerdemain.  It’s dilemmas such as these that make the Land of Smiles a complex, if interesting place, and keeps Pa Farang in the advice business. 

Marayat dee,  

– Pa Farang 

Read Pa Farang’s other columns in WoWasis for more advice on relationships and cultural matters in Asia