The Good Manner: Advice on Thailand from WoWasis’ Pa Farang
This week’s dilemma: How does a Westerner relate to a Thai death?

Dear Pa Farang, 

Last month, a buddy’s girlfriend’s aunt passed away, and his girlfriend asked him for money, allegedly for the funeral. He paid, and went to the temple, where yes, there was a ceremony. We’re not sure where the money went, because on more than one occasion, she’s asked him to pay for other things, including the “sick buffalo.” He paid up, but we’re still not sure if we’re being conned. What’s your opinion? 

– Already gave at the office 

 Dear Office Giver, 

Naturally, your friend understands that as “poo yai”, he will be expected to be generous with his money, particularly if his girlfriend comes from a modest financial background.  When someone dies, the family must provide for the deceased, which consists of a number of things, including a donation to the wat (temple).  

Here are some protocols that westerners should understand about funerary rights and responsibilities: 

1) Because farang (Westerners) are comparatively well-off, one should show the Good Manner by giving a small donation to a relative of the deceased, in a small white envelope. 500 baht would be fine if you were a passing acquaintance, but if you were the deceased’s employer, from 1000 to 2000 baht would be more appropriate.  If you were close to any member of the family, you would be expected to give more, depending on your station in life.  I would ask a trusted Thai friend to give you counsel on the appropriate donation.  

2) Colors have more meaning to Asians than farang, so if you’re honored with an invitation to the ceremony, it’s appropriate to wear black pants and tie, with a white shirt.  If you are arriving on your own, get there ½ hour early, which will give you hosts time to situate you, and receive your envelope. Get the name of the wat, and also the sala (tantamount to the western chapel) as each wat will have several. Upon arrival, a relative may walk you by the Buddha image, where he or she will wai (bow, with palms pressed together), and you may also. Then, you will wai the deceased person.  When burning incense sticks, you would burn one stick of incense for the deceased, and burn three for Buddha.  

3) Next, from five to seven monks will chant for the departed.  As a westerner, you may be given a seat in the front row. The monks will pause three times during the chanting, and you are expected to remain silent during this time. Afterward, food will be served.  Do partake, as it honors the host. Later, the body will be cremated at the wat.  

4) Don’t worry too much about making mistakes, but follow Thai standards of dress.  Thais understand that westerners don’t wai perfectly, and they will be happy that you’re doing your best to honor the departed person. As in all wats, observe the usual protocol, by removing shoes, keeping the soles of your feet always away from the image of Buddha, and dressing the same way you see Thais dressing (no shorts at any time, no sleeveless shirts, blouses, or dresses, not only during funerary ceremonies). If you’re a woman who wishes to make a donation to a wat through a monk, remember that you must give it first to a male, you will then present your offering to the monk, in your presence. Try to keep your head lower than the monk’s. 

I would say your friend, by virtue of the fact that he was invited to this important ritual, is seen by family members as playing a significant part in his girlfriend’s life. Farang men often have difficulty in distinguishing between avarice and custom. In this case, I would judge it clearly to be a case of the latter.

 Marayat dee,  

– Pa Farang 

Read Pa Farang’s other columns in WoWasis for more advice on relationships and cultural matters in Southeast Asia