Had a strange thing happen this week that reminded me just how stupid we can be when we drink too much and end up thinking with our little heads.  I was invited to a very expensive and trendy Thai disco in the Ekamai section of Bangkok by a girlfriend who is a nurse at a local hospital.  I arrived a bit late and she was partying with a group of hospital employees that included 4 or 5 nurses and a couple of doctors.  After spending WAY too much time chatting up the extremely simple minded lasses at Nana Plaza this week it was really nice to have some intelligent and thoughtful conversations with educated and accomplished people.  The doctors in the group, being higher in status than the nurses, insisted on paying for everyone in our little party.  Again, it was so refreshing to actually be treated to an evening’s entertainment for a change.  It is not often here that I am not the one having to pay.  

All was going well and then seven Thai fashion models came strolling into the place.  All heads turned as these tall, slim, perfect looking beauties confidently entered our group and without hesitation began helping themselves to our whiskey.  It turns out one of the gals was dating one of our doctors.   I was feeling a bit drunk by this time and must admit I flirted a bit too much with one of the models.  I really was happy to be sharing the company of my nursing friend and in retrospect I definitely stepped over the line by flirting so brazenly while out on a date with another lady.  Yeah, maybe it’s the booze and not my little head that makes me so stupid?  Maybe it’s both?  Or maybe I am just a hopeless womanizer who only cares about satisfying his own animal lust?  Naah, that can’t be it.  Anyway I am digressing.  I really was laying it on thick in my very best Thai with this model (even though she spoke perfect English) and then excused myself to go to the toilet.  

I know I was really drunk because I didn’t even notice that she was following me down the steps to the rest room.  Suddenly, she grabbed my wrist a dragged me (I wasn’t really kicking and screaming) into the men’s room.  Then she locked the two of us in a stall and proceeded to literally ravage me.  It got so rough that we knocked the stall door off of the hinges.  When we finished (I finished anyway) I slinked out of the bathroom and was really embarrassed to see the Thai male attendant grinning from ear to ear.  I slipped him a 500 baht note and told him it was to repair the door.  Surprisingly he refused to accept the tip and told me for sure he wouldn’t be the person who would be making the repairs!  I guess the free entertainment was payment enough for him.  Honestly she acted like a complete animal.  

I slithered my way back up to the disco area and was really hoping that nobody would be any the wiser.  Imagine my shock and horror when this whacko broad proceeds to tell the whole story to our entire group!  I was totally humiliated and really didn’t know what to do, so I returned to the toilet and joked around with the attendant for 10 or 15 minutes hoping some sanity would return my consciousness.   No magical answers or alibis came to me so I begrudgingly joined my friends again and prepared myself for the worst.  The doctors were laughing their asses of over this mess, but my date was quietly crying in the corner.  I tried to console her and explained how I was drunk and really the whole thing happened so fast I was just taken by surprise.  Then the big shock came.   She wasn’t angry at me, she was angry at the other girl!  She explained that being a man, I was really powerless to fight off the advances of a world class beauty such as that model, and that since the model had pursued me and not the other way around I was blameless!  Is this a great country or what?  

When I spoke to the oldest doctor again, he and his friends were all in total agreement.  I was the victim in this scenario!  I suddenly began recalling all those horrible Thai soap operas where one really ugly Thai guy has two gorgeous babes fighting over him while he just sits around innocently as if totally blameless and clueless.  That evening my nurse friend made love to me better than she ever has before.  Man do I love Thailand! 

Quote of the week comes from yours truly.  I was partying in Angel Witch bar in Nana Plaza recently and bumped into an old friend.  He proceeded to tell me that he had met the love of his life and was getting married this autumn.  I know that social protocol in these situations is to congratulate the other person.  Problem is that when I have had a lot to drink I am just completely unable to bullshit.  So I told him exactly what I thought; that he was an idiot and should reconsider this moronic decision.  I know that you all are thinking Khun Lee sure is a sensitive bastard!  Anyway, I asked him why the hell he would want to do such a thing and his answer was that he wanted sex and companionship.  My response was “getting married in Thailand because you need sex and companionship is like buying an office supply store because you need a paper clip.”

Read Khun Lee’s other WoWasis columns for more advice on navigating the adult dating scene through the backstreets of Bangkok