The Good Manner: Advice on Thailand from WoWasis’ Pa Farang
This week’s dilemma: Thai girl asks ‘What’s in the Western Man’s Heart?’
Dear Pa Farang,
I am Thai lady 23 years old, from good family, have good heart. Last year, I met farang [Western] man who travel Thailand many time each year, and we begin relationship. When he in his country he call me every day, so know he care about me. Last month we go Ko Samui for holiday. I want the good relationship, and want to know everything about his life. He handsome man, old OK, and think maybe he have another girl, but never see. When he go to swimming, I look at pictures in his camera, and find the photo of another lady. He tell me photo old, but he keep it in camera anyway. But he very angry me for looking at pictures. When I not ask him first. He say I don’t trust him and he have no lady, only me. Maybe is true, because he with me all the time. Now he tell me I damage his pleasure. I tell him must know if he have other lady, and begin cry. Holiday not go so good then, and now he do not call me.
Now, we not same before, and I sao jai every day, because he not call again. Pa Farang, what is in the heart of farang man? Why he angry me for looking him camera? What you think I do now?
– Only Sao Jai
Dear Sao Jai Girl,
It’s very difficult for many Thais to understand the western concept of privacy. In many Thai villages, houses are built without interior walls, and children grow up with the philosophy that within a room, everything is shared. Westerners like to have personal privacy, where they prefer others keep out. This includes the pockets of their clothes, men’s wallets, ladies’ handbags, and backpackers’ backpacks. The contents of a farang’s camera are something he shows when he chooses, but you will find other farang will have the same reaction as your friend, not good. I recommend you show the Good Manner by not looking through cameras, wallets, or pockets of any farang man. In return, he should show you the same courtesy. Jealousy damages everyone’s pleasure, and, unless you see something with your own eyes, my recommendation is that you trust the person.
You communicate well in English, so I suggest you write a letter to him, and apologize for looking through the camera. Tell him you will not do it again, and ask him to call you. If that does not work, consider going to a wat and asking a nun to write you a letter to him, on your behalf, telling him how sad you are. This can melt the hardest of farang stony cold hearts. If this does not work, I’m sure the nun will tell you that it was not meant to be. I wish you well.
Marayat dee,
– Pa Farang
Read Pa Farang’s other columns for more advice on relationships and cultural matters in Southeast Asia
Thanks for writing, Peter. I wish Pa Farang had 1000 baht for every letter he’s gotten from someone in a relationship suspecting that his/her other has slept with someone else. And kept it secret. The tense is immaterial. He’s gotten them on suspected past lovers, suspected current lovers, and suspected future lovers.
It’s not about whether it actually has, does, or will occur. the real culprit is suspicion, an eroding influence on any relationship. When suspicion rears its ugly head, no one will win. Denials are never believed, apologies rarely accepted, begrudgingly if so.
Pa Farang can’t offer suggestions on how fix a relationship already sullied by suspicion. What he can do is suggest that a frank discussion occur about snooping into each other’s private documents and possessions. This would include diaries, purses, wallets, computers, phones, and cameras.
Mature people have learned that there is value to leaving some mysteries in the relationship. Everyone who has sex has fantasies about having sex with someone else. That is part of human nature. One doesn’t really need to know absolutely everything about the other person to be in love.
One of the hardest lessons for western men to learn is that it’s best to forget about who his lady has slept with, might be sleeping with, or will sleep with. Enjoy your time when she’s with you. Make sure you’re as full of sanuk as you can be. If you’re fun, treat her right, and support her in the manner Thai culture dictates, you’re not going to have much to worry about.
Jealousy and suspicion are damaging to every relationship. “Don’t look in my stuff and I won’t look in yours” is a perhaps difficult, but certainly meaningful mantra to foster a relationship based on things that really matter, rather than guessed-at events that will linger in suspicious minds longer than the relationship will.
Actively pursue having a little mystery in the relationship. This will keep the relationship interesting and engaging as it matures. It will elevate interpersonal conversations to topics beyond those relating to the location of items in the Foodland aisles.
Pa Farang,
I have enjoyed reading your articles and views on Thai life and how Farangs fit in. I have agreed with most all comments. I have to respectively disagree with you on this one. If the guy gets mad about pics of another woman on his phone, then he is hiding, and got caught. By putting the blame on his Thai GF, he is putting the blame on her, and not on himself where it should be.