The Good Manner: Advice on Thailand from WoWasis’ Pa Farang
This week’s dilemma: Was mummy a prostitute? 

Dear Pa Farang, 

Dad and mom were killed last year in an auto accident outside of Needles, California. He was a sergeant in the Vietnam war, and met her at a restaurant while on leave at a beach town in Thailand. They married and lived in the US, where they had me and my brother.  Mom spent most of her life taking care of dad, whose back injury kept getting worse.  She was a Buddhist, and kept a small shrine at home, but never made it back to Thailand to visit her family, although she always wanted to.  She always sent money to relatives in  a town called Bung Kan, so this year we went to Thailand to look them up. 

My new Thai family was wonderful to us, and lots of tears were shed.  We wanted to find out what mom was like as a little girl, but no one could remember much about her adolescence.  One night, we all got pretty blasted on Mekhong whiskey, and mom’s sis told us mom had worked in a bar when she met dad.  Tom (my brother) and I were horrified.  We asked everyone if this were true, but people clammed up and started arguing with my aunt, who left the party angry.  The next day, no one would say anything, including my aunt.  We’re really hurting, and need some closure on this.  I can’t believe mom would have done this (might she have been a prostitute?), and if she had, I think she would have told us, as our family communicated well.  I need our Thai relatives to open up.  What can I do to get them to talk? 

–   An American Girl in Thailand

Dear AG, 

Your mother led a tough life before meeting your dad, and he was the ray of sunshine that allowed her to drop the past.  Your aunt obviously had her own reasons for letting it slip, maybe guilt, maybe revenge.  Nevertheless, she was chastised by the family and made to lose face, which means your family served her justice on a silver platter.  Thousands of sweet, wonderful girls like your mom seek opportunity away from small villages, as did she.  They are not criminals, but are unfortunately regarded as such in your own country of the United States.  You absolutely must revise your concept of your mother’s previous occupation if you expect to gain the “closure” you so desperately seek.  You have made a good attempt to know your relatives.  Show The Good Manner by immediately stopping any attempt to get them to discuss this aspect of your mother’s life.  They lose face by discussing this, and want to remember her in a special way, as do you.  Moving forward, recognize that you have been gifted with having been born in a privileged country, and try not to judge the actions of others, in other countries, by the social standards of the United States. All countries are different. 

There is a way to get closure, and I want you to consider it.  Go to a wat, and tell the monk about your mother, her family, her life, and death.  Ask him how she, as a Buddhist, would want her untimely death resolved, according to her philosophy.  Follow the advice of the monk, who may ask you to perform certain Buddhist tasks involving making merit.  This will allow her soul to rest, a last request your mother was unable to make.  Your relatives will have already done this, and you may have already participated.  Nevertheless, you and your brother should do this alone, which will provide you with the peace you seek.  Whether you know it or not, this trip has allowed you to know your mother better.  Try to learn from her teaching, which you’re only beginning to understand, but which you will assimilate in time. 

Marayat dee, 

– Pa Farang

Read Pa Farang’s other columns for more advice on relationships and cultural matters  in Southeast Asia