The Good Manner: Advice on Thailand from WoWasis’ Pa Farang
This week’s dilemma: Should I pay a dowry for my Thai wife? 

Note from Pa Farang:  This week, I have received two letters that deal with two sides of the same coin.  They appear consecutively, as they are thematically intertwined. 

Dear Pa Farang, 

My lovely Thai girlfriend, who I want to marry, has just dropped a bomb on me.  Her upcountry daddy wants me to pay a dowry!  I’ve been told I’m supposed to pay up, but it will be returned, as it’s just a way to gain face.  I calculated it out, and the damn family wants $1000!  What gives here, I thought this stuff went out with the Middle Ages?  Please answer quickly, as there’s bad blood brewing.

–   Didn’t just fall off the apple cart 

Dear AC, 

In fact, the dowry, known as Sin Sot, has never gone out of fashion in Thailand.  Traditionally, the groom (or the groom’s family) pays a price for removing a wage earner or farm laborer (your girlfriend, in this case), from the home of her parents.  They will therefore be deprived of the fruits of her labor, and will expect to be compensated.  Yes, there is a face issue here.  If you pay nothing, you are “keeniow”, or cheap.  This reflects badly on the girl’s choice of a husband, and demeans the status of her family in the village. To keep harmony, and perhaps even to save the marriage, you should show The Good Manner and agree to pay something, and don’t expect to get this gift back.  The question is how much.  As a westerner, you should pay more than a simple Thai farmer, but you don’t want to give the impression that you’re a soft touch either.  I think if you pay somewhere between 5,000 and 10,000 baht ($150-$300 USD), you should be perceived as a good guy, making your future wife happy, and your future in-laws satisfied that you’re amenable to doing things the Thai way. Tell your girlfriend that this is what you’ll give.  Most Thais are fair, and will respect this amount.  If you’re met with resistance, don’t let her stories of the vast amounts other farang have allegedly paid sway you.  If you love the girl, stick to your guns.  This sets the stage for other discussions involving money, so this is your opportunity to gain the respect you’ll need to have as your marriage moves forward.  If the caterwauling continues, you’re looking through a telescope into your future, my friend: consider whether you’re being married for love or money.  It most assuredly won’t be both. 

Marayat dee, Pa Farang 

Dear Pa Farang, 

I’m considering how much to pay as Sin Sot to marry Sasitorn, my girlfriend.  Here’s the deal.  I’ve grown to love her family very much.  They’re dirt poor, work hard, and always make me feel welcome. They’ve treated their daughter with love and respect, and frankly, her family is a lot nicer than mine is. It would give me a great deal of joy to set them up for life.  Since I sold my business, I’ve had more than a couple of nickels to rub together.   I figure $31,000 US [1 million baht] would do the job nicely. They’d be able to build a modern house, and live comfortably for the rest of their lives. Now, my best Thai friend’s brother is a monk, and when I told him the idea, he cautioned against that amount, saying it would upset the balance in the village, and perhaps cause trouble for my in-laws.  I’m not sure I quite understand what he’s getting at, but I don’t want to do something stupid.  What’s your take on this? 

–   Daddy Angel 

Dear DA, 

The monk is giving you good council.  Without appearing so arrogant as to attempt to read his mind, I’m going to make a guess as to what’s going on.  After you read my response, ask the monk again for his reasoning, as I’ll bet I’m not too far off.  In the village, there’s a fellow we call “poo-yai baan”, or the village headman. This is an elected position, it commands respect, and this individual sees to the general welfare of the village. He makes requests to higher-ups regarding services the village needs, from roads to medicine. He also brings in the local vote for politicians further up the chain.

Your generous donation might conceivably make your relatives visibly the wealthiest people in the village. This puts them in a “poo-yai” status of their own.  People would come to them for money, and they’d be hard-put to turn anyone down. As a result, the status of the formally elected “poo-yai baan” would be diminished. He might get jealous, and cause some real trouble for your nice in-laws. Your generous relatives will conceivably not give an amount tantamount to what some individuals in the village might ask for. Such individuals might bear a grudge, and cause trouble, or worse, team up with a vindictive “poo-yai baan” to harass your girl’s people. In some such cases, a drug charge is trumped up against the girl’s brother, and local authorities will demand a large bribe to drop charges. The monk’s aware of this.  Westerners can be unaware that their generosity can breed more contempt than love, and you’re getting some good advice.  

Here’s what I’d do.  You’re the beneficiary of knowing a monk, so show The Good Manner by asking him what amount he’d consider wise.  Heed his advice.  If your amount is questioned (it probably won’t be, if your father in law is as nice as you say he is), mention that you consulted with the monk, and are giving the proper amount based on his guidance.  No Thai will disrespect the good counsel of a monk.  In doing this, you will have honored your Thai friend, and gained the respect of the girl and her family as one who recognizes the wisdom of ancient customs.  The ‘poo-yai baan’ will act favorably to the family, and others won’t be overtly envious.  Continue to support your new family, doing it a step at a time, and don’t forget to be a bit generous to the wat to which your friend’s brother belongs. 

Marayat dee, Pa Farang 

Read Pa Farang’s other columns for more advice on relationships and cultural matters  in Southeast Asia