The Good Manner: Love & Relationship Advice from WoWasis’ Pa Farang
This week’s dilemma: Fat old man can’t get a date in Thailand

Dear Pa Farang, 

This is a letter of frustration. I’m in my mid-50’s, and have been to Thailand several times.  I originally came here for good scuba, and kept coming back because of the friendly people. I confess, I’ve met lots of women, usually in nightspots frequented by other western men. My problem is that I can’t seem to make a meaningful connection beyond the usual one-nighters. Confession time: I’m not the best looking guy in the world, and I’m overweight. I’m older, too.  That’s the other reason I’m here.  Back at home, no woman will give me the time of day, in spite of the fact that I’m a good guy, honest, and university-educated. Here, I don’t have problems meeting girls, but after a date or so, it seems as though they’re only after my money.  The girls I’m attracted to are in their twenties, so who knows?  Maybe I’m just an old bastard dreamin’ like Captain Ahab.  Still, I see other guys my age who obviously have tight relationships.  They might be lucky, but my parents taught me that luck is what you make it.  I’m starting to think I’m spending too much time trying to meet girls in bars. OK, Pa Farang, here’s the bit: where can a guy like me go to meet good, decent, honest women in this town? 

– Sailor Stephen 

Dear Sailor, 

Take out your spyglass and look around you: how many overweight, scruffy western guys do you see getting lovey-dovey with their twenty-something Thai girlfriends?  It’s in the hundreds, maybe thousands, isn’t it.  And take it from Pa Farang, they didn’t meet their girlfriends at the bookstore at Chulalongkorn University [note to self, check out the bookstore at Chulalongkorn].  Fact is, they met them in bars.  I see your dilemma as having three sides, your low self-esteem, bodywise, your low self-esteem agewise, and picking the wrong girls. Work on the first two items while meditating in the crow’s nest one day.  

Thai girls, unlike western women, care more about what’s in your heart than your age, or  girth. Since respecting older people is a venerated element of merit-making in the Buddhist philosophy, you’ll be well-regarded as an older guy, potentially  an uncle, a lover, and a protector. Thai women have built-in sonar, radar, and loran, and can size a guy up by looking at him, and forming a judgement on character within the first 30 seconds.  This is especially true in bars.  The problem is, Sailor, you aren’t noticing.  If I could drive my submarine up to the beachhead of your favorite bar, and angle my periscope so that it would part the curtains a bit, I’d find you ignoring the girl in back smiling toward you, while you’re busy chatting up the prettier girl filing her nails and ordering her third ladydrink from you.  The basic concept here is that the Thai girl chooses you, not the other way around.  I’ll bet you’re ignoring that fact, habitually, and picking girls who have no interest in you beyond the financial. 

Try this: next time you walk through the pearly gates of your favorite pleasure palace, stop for a second.  Look around, find the one who’s against the far wall, smiling at you.  Sure, she may not be the prettiest, at first glance.  Sure you’re older than her, but remember this: you’ve got thirty years of wisdom that a 25-year-old doesn’t have.  Prove it by showing The Good Manner when you first meet her.  Ask where she’s from, and pull out your map of Thailand and ask her to show you her city, town, or village.  You’ll be showing an interest in her than 19 out of 20 western guys won’t.  This is your chart for  finding the girlfriend you’ve been lacking. I’m on your side, Sailor, but methinks you’ve been thinking of your own woes too much. When you stow ‘em in a lead sack and jettison them overboard, you’ll finally find yourself sailing the blues seas of tranquility, with a good-hearted lady at your side. Trust an old salt on this one. 

Mariyat-dee, 

Pa Farang

 Read Pa Farang’s other columns for more advice on relationships in Southeast Asia