Just returned from an 18 day trip to America and what a shock to my system! Thailand and America are on opposite sides of the planet and I don’t think they could be any more different. How strange to experience culture shock when returning to one’s own home country. I am so spoiled living in the paradise that is Bangkok that I am certain I could never live in America again. Even surviving 18 days was quite a challenge. 

I have a friend there who is my age, makes huge money as V.P. of a large international company and would certainly be a dream man for any woman in Thailand. He is recently divorced and has been attempting to date around again. He managed to meet a woman over the internet that lives near his hometown and they have seen each other 5 or 6 times. She is 44 years old, has 4 young children, and is so ugly that when he showed me her photo I lost my desire for sex for a week! My friend thinks he better hurry up and marry her before she gets away. Man did I miss Thailand. 

Had dinner at my favorite Thai restaurant in my hometown and was having a conversation with the Thai female bartender. She asked me about my stay in Thailand and I commented that Thais were so friendly and amiable, but that the Thais in America just didn’t have the same charm and friendliness as the Thais in Thailand. She looked at me, clenched her fists and gritted her teeth, and said “so much pressure here.”  Man did I miss Thailand. 

The culture shock began as soon as the Thai flight attendants departed the plane in Tokyo and were replaced by American flight attendants. The Thai flight attendants were all petite, demure and lovely. The American replacements were all fat, impolite and foul tempered. The 80 year old man sitting next to me made the mistake of asking one for a pillow and she barked “there was one on your seat when you sat down.” Then she reached into the overhead bin, grabbed a pillow and THREW it into his lap. Man I was missing Thailand already. Can we just turn the plane around? 

Enough of this talk about America. I am starting to get depressed just recalling the horror! I have returned to Bangkok in the midst of low season for the nightlife and amazingly find myself more handsome than ever in spite of the fact that I gained 9 pounds during my 18 day trip. How can this be you may be wondering?  Low season is heaven for the customers and it can be quite challenging coping with the absolute movie star status we have at the moment. 

You will be absolutely mobbed by hundreds of beautiful young women in the bars trying to talk to you, sit with you, drink with you, flirt with you and many will even use unfair tactics way too kinky for my sensitive reader’s ears to garner your attention. For many guys this can be just too overwhelming to handle. 

So here to the rescue is Khun Lee’s Guide to Surviving Low Season: 

1) Never choose a lady early in the evening. No matter how perfect she is in every way, you will meet at least 5 women better than her later in the evening. 

2) Go with a friend (or friends) and make sure you sit down in such a way as to leave no room for a person to sit next to you. Otherwise every gal you don’t want to sit with will be next to you in a flash. 

3) Practice saying the word “NO” in the mirror at least 100 times before you go out. Then when you are making the rounds you will be able to turn down the countless offers you will receive from sexy lasses for various social interactions. For those of you who desire some on-the-job training, here is one possible scenario:

“No, I don’t want you to sit down. No, I don’t want to buy you a drink. No, I don’t want to pay your bar fine. No, I don’t want you to sit on my lap. Well, you can do That to me if it is really necessary. No, I don’t want to take you home with me. You want to do WHAT to me? Is that physically possible given the laws of Physics? You AND your friend want to do that to me at the same time? Which one is your friend? Ooooooooooo that one! Well, the hell with Khun Lee, he’s an idiot anyway. Check bin please!!” 

4) Go to busy places if you want to relax. It is low season, so all the dead bars and most of the mediocre bars will be very quiet and the gals will be all over you. I must warn you that your friends at home will offer little sympathy regarding this predicament. 

5) Sit on a bar stool next to the stage instead of a table. 

6) Tell every lady that you have no money. This one doesn’t work as well as you might think though. They normally just think you are trying to be tricky. 

7) Go out in large groups where most of the other guys are much more handsome than you. Unfortunately this strategy is nearly impossible for Dean Barrett and myself. 

8) Drink like a drunken sailor on shore leave and chase every skirt that looks good and just accept the abundance of attention you are receiving. My personal favorite. 

Don’t listen to those politically correct guide books that say cool season is the best time to visit. If you want to party and chase women, low season RULES!!!!!!

Read Khun Lee’s other WoWasis columns for more advice on navigating the adult dating scene through the backstreets of Bangkok