Dear Pa Farang,

One of my joys is sitting out on the verandah of my country home and lighting a bowl of my favorite aromatic tobacco. Recently, I met a lovely lady from a village near here, and we have been romantic on several occasions. Her parents have met me, and approve of the courtship.

Last week, she entered my home while I was away. How do I know? When I returned, I found her outside, sick as a dog. It soon became apparent that the unfortunate lady had eaten some of my pipe tobacco (with a touch of amaretto, if you please), which is not the Surgeon General-approved method of ingesting same.

Now, I’ve got two problems, a girlfriend who doesn’t trust me (because she says I have poisoned food), and a girlfriend I don’t trust (what was she doing in my house while I was away?)

Sincerely,

Smoking Gun

Dear Smoking Gun,

It’s been said that if it smells good, a Thai lady will eat it. This covers all matters of food, bugs, and assorted organic material. No doubt she smelled your exotic tobacco, and thought it was a food topping (did she add it to a som tam she made in your kitchen?) You have learned a valuable lesson, namely to be mindful of explaining to your lady the purpose of all nice-smelling things in your home.

About the other matter, your lady could have sneaked in to steal your toaster, or clean your house. This is largely determined by how she has treated you in the past, and if her parents treat you avariciously, or selflessly. The poet --- Ben Franklin to be specific --- once said that before marriage, one should keep both eyes open, and afterward, one eye shut. I would, however, show the Good Manner by giving her the benefit of the doubt on this one, unless she’s shown previous deceit. A heartfelt apology should quickly dispel her distrust of you, and if her father enjoys tobacco, you may consider buying him a pipe and tobacco as a gift.

Marayat dee!

Pa Farang